The Big Questions

I’m sitting on the metro today reading for class, and this guy gets up and walks towards the doors of the train. I’m guessing he’s somewhere between 18 and 25 years old. He reaches up with both hands, grabs the bar running across the top of the train and starts doing pull-ups, sort of vigorous pull-ups too. He does about 5. Then he drops down and beats his chest a la Tarzan.

Okay, kind of creepy.

Then he makes his fingers into guns and starts kind of shooting all around him. He’s not making any noise really, just silently mouthing pow pow pow. (It could be that he’s just dealing with some pent-up aggression over the girl who is listening to heavy metal on her ipod so loudly that I’m getting a headache from it, which would be warranted.) At any rate, this is all happening over the course of about a minute and a half.

The doors open, and he walks off the train.

Um, weird.

But he’s off the train now, and while I’m still concerned that I may snap and attack the ipod girl, I no longer fear for my own life from the pull-up boy, which leaves me to ponder on important things.

Like pull-up boy’s pants.

This is not a picture of his actual butt, of course – but this is what was happening.

Frankly, I have to say that I’m kind of shocked that this is still in fashion. I thought it would be over in 1992 or something, but clearly I was wrong.

My concern today is not with the aesthetics, though. I’m talking about physics. And biology.

Hips and butts hold up pants. That’s what they do. It’s what they’re good for. Okay, they’re good for some other things, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking pants.

So, when this guy’s pants are below his hips and his butt, what is holding them up? I truly do not know. He had on a belt, so you could say that the belt is holding them up, but it’s tightened around his thighs. So, if it’s tight enough to hold up his pants, how does he walk? I saw him walking, so I know that he can.

And then here’s the big question – what about his, um…stuff? From what I could tell, it’s probably being smashed by his belt. That can’t be comfortable.
In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not all that experienced with the male anatomy, but I do know generally where everything is, and it was under this dude’s belt.

So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to go home tonight and put on a pair of baggy pants and sinch them with a belt right underneath my butt. And try to walk and see what happens. I know – this doesn’t solve the question of what’s getting smashed, but come on, there’s only so much I can do. I’ll report back with my findings.