Shop-o-Rific

One of my favorite things about flying is the SkyMall catalog. I'm constantly delighted by the crazy things that people are selling, and I wonder who buys this stuff. So, because I seem to have lost the ability to actually blog, and NaBloPoMo is breathing down my neck, I'm going to give you some of my SkyMall favorites.

The Most Up to Date Talking Globe



Because you certainly wouldn't want the previous Behind the Times Talking Globe. For just $179.95 you can get "the world's most current talking globe because it connects to a PC and allows you to download weekly updates about nation states, governments, political boundaries, culture, and more." Because if a globe doesn't talk, what good is it? Seriously.

The Beverage Buggy


That's right my friends. Con your spouse, child, neighbor, sibling into placing two cans of thirst-quenching goodness into this remote-controlled buggy and zoom it right over. The important thing to note here, I think, is that if it's remote-controlled, then once it's out of the "driver's" sight, it's useless. So you have to be pretty freakin' lazy to force someone to use this. I mean, you can see where they're sending it from.

The Nano Wand Scanner



For the germophobes out there, just wave it over any area and it "kills 99.9% of bacteria in 10 seconds." Or you could use it to stage your own home episode of CSI.

Poop Freeze


I'm not sure I can say anything about this better than what they've already told us: "Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your "dooty" and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer "crust" that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed."
Key point here: You don't have to use the toilet anymore. You can just poop on the floor, freeze it, and clean it up later.

Brightfeet Lighted Slippers



"It's like having nightlights on your feet." And who doesn't want that? However: "Note: It may take 4 to 5 steps for the LEDs to activate the first time slippers are worn. Remember, Bright Feet Lighted Slippers light up only in the dark." So if you run into the door in your first 4 steps, don't blame SkyMall. And if you need the lights in the daytime, well, I don't know what to tell you.

Makes you want to take a trip, doesn't it?

The Night Off

The prostitution presentation is behind me, and it went quite well - if I do say so myself. The class seemed interested, and people were actually looking up from their laptops. Hurrah! If we hadn't had so much to say, there might've even been more extensive discussion. Woops. Seriously, though - there is A LOT to say about prostitution.

I felt really good about the information that T and I were presenting, about us being able to inform people about a really serious problem in this country. And I felt like people were taking it in. It was interesting to feel the energy in the room change after we showed a video clip or introduced a statistic or read a story. I think there's a lot of misinformation or lack of information about the commercial sex industry in this country.

Although I do always have a little bit of a hard time when I opine on the plight of minorities - like poor women of color in the sex trade. I hear this little voice in the back of my head, "What is this privileged white girl doing talking about the problems for people of color like she knows something about it?" I had an ex who used to tell me that white people should never try to talk about the problems facing black people because they really didn't get it, and they just ended up adding to the problem. The voice plagues me sometimes. Anyway...

I've got tons to do now - write a research paper on some aspect of prostitution in place of an exam, come up with a note topic for my journal, do a preemption check, catch up on all the reading I haven't done for this week, start a direct write campaign since no one wants to hire me, and clean my apartment.

But tonight...I'm giving myself the night off. T and I went for a beer to celebrate afterwards. We talked johns and pimps and women's desire to satisfy men. Good times. And now I'm home - I've circled all the things I like but can't afford in a catalogue, I've eaten some yummy chocolate babka from the Babe's family, and now I'm blogging and watching Law & Order.

Tomorrow I begin again.

The first step is admitting you have a problem

I made a foray yesterday into the Consumer Mecca of America. Costco.

My dear friends T and R drove me down to Alexandria and used their membership to get me into the land of plenty. I needed a lot of cheap party food for a reception at school, and I knew one of those big members only stores was the place to get it. I was right.

It's been over three years since I was in one of those stores, and I had forgotten their appeal. Nowadays I like to be all organic-y and local and hoity toity about my food purchases. But these Costco people know what they're doing.

So as soon as I got into the store, this battle began in my head between my inner non-consumer and my inner consumer. Wait. Ha. Who am I kidding? I don't have an inner non-consumer. Scratch that. It was between my inner socially conscious buyer and my inner cheapskate.

Cheapskate: Ooh, ooh. Good deal at 9 o'clock! Robe! Me likey! Soft! Pretty blue! Get it! Get it! Yeah, yeah.

Socially Conscious Buyer: When are you going to wear a robe? It's not like you lounge around the house in a robe. You do not need a robe. And if you did need a robe, you could buy one from a store that makes robes from hemp or bamboo.

Cheapskate: Ahahahaha!!! Hemp! Bamboo! Soft robe here! $14.99! Mmmm....feeeel...softttt.

Socially Conscious Buyer: Ugh. Okay, get the robe. But that's it. Do you understand me? That's. It.

Cheapskate: Right. That's - Ah!!! Fruit snacks! Yummy in my tummy! 80! For $10?!!! Pinch me! Pinch me! Fruity goodness!

Socially Conscious Buyer: Did you listen to me at all? I said no more. When are you going to eat 80 packages of fruit snacks?

Cheapskate: Yummy yummy yummy yummy...mmmm.....Fruit snacks fruit snacks fruit snacks wooh!

Socially Conscious Buyer: Dear God. Okay. At least you won't have to buy them from the vending machine at school anymore. You thought I didn't know you were doing that, huh? I knew. Nothing else goes in this cart that's not for the party - do you understand me?

Cheapskate: I under - SOCKS!! Oooooh, lots of socks! Pretty socks! Colors! Lookie lookie! Need socks! SIX PAIR!!! SIX! Sooooooo cheeeeaaaap! And PRETTY!!!

Socially Conscious Buyer: So....tired....getting....sleepy..........

Needless to say, I left with a robe, 6 pair of socks, a pair of slippers, 80 packages of fruit snacks, 48 packages of granola bars, 4 lbs of grapes (yes, 4 lbs), 4 wheels of that cheese that's packaged in little triangles, and a giant package of coffee. And I had a mammoth frozen yogurt - mainly because it only cost $1.80. I did manage to pass on the package of 12 toothbrushes. No matter how I tried to figure it, there was no way I could need 12 toothbrushes.

If T is reading this, she may be thinking that it didn't look like I was having this battle. It just looked more like I was running around Costco throwing things into my basket with wild-eyed glee. It's a common misperception. The wild-eyed look is actually the outward expression of the end of the argument. It goes something like this - "Damnet! I'm an American! Give me MORE!!!!"

Thank you, Sarah Palin

Just bought my first-ever campaign t-shirt!