Fried

This is your brain.

This is law school.

This is your brain on law school.

Any questions?

Shop-o-Rific

One of my favorite things about flying is the SkyMall catalog. I'm constantly delighted by the crazy things that people are selling, and I wonder who buys this stuff. So, because I seem to have lost the ability to actually blog, and NaBloPoMo is breathing down my neck, I'm going to give you some of my SkyMall favorites.

The Most Up to Date Talking Globe



Because you certainly wouldn't want the previous Behind the Times Talking Globe. For just $179.95 you can get "the world's most current talking globe because it connects to a PC and allows you to download weekly updates about nation states, governments, political boundaries, culture, and more." Because if a globe doesn't talk, what good is it? Seriously.

The Beverage Buggy


That's right my friends. Con your spouse, child, neighbor, sibling into placing two cans of thirst-quenching goodness into this remote-controlled buggy and zoom it right over. The important thing to note here, I think, is that if it's remote-controlled, then once it's out of the "driver's" sight, it's useless. So you have to be pretty freakin' lazy to force someone to use this. I mean, you can see where they're sending it from.

The Nano Wand Scanner



For the germophobes out there, just wave it over any area and it "kills 99.9% of bacteria in 10 seconds." Or you could use it to stage your own home episode of CSI.

Poop Freeze


I'm not sure I can say anything about this better than what they've already told us: "Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your "dooty" and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer "crust" that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed."
Key point here: You don't have to use the toilet anymore. You can just poop on the floor, freeze it, and clean it up later.

Brightfeet Lighted Slippers



"It's like having nightlights on your feet." And who doesn't want that? However: "Note: It may take 4 to 5 steps for the LEDs to activate the first time slippers are worn. Remember, Bright Feet Lighted Slippers light up only in the dark." So if you run into the door in your first 4 steps, don't blame SkyMall. And if you need the lights in the daytime, well, I don't know what to tell you.

Makes you want to take a trip, doesn't it?

The results of law school procrastination

My mom is visiting.

Mom: Could I have a glass of ice water?

Me: No.

Mom: (confused silence)

Me: You can have water. I don't have any ice.

Mom: (looking in the freezer at the 6 ice trays - looking back at me)

Me: All chicken stock. 6 trays full of chicken stock.

Law school may make me into an amazing chef. Or just a really prolific one.

Puking optional

In the midst of all of the election ups and downs this week, the babe and I celebrated our one year anniversary.

One year ago the babe held my hands in hers and looked deeply into my eyes as I said, "sushi sounds great to me."

And thus the dating began.

In honor of the occasion, I give you...

Ten Reasons I Love/Adore/Go Weak in the Knees For The Babe:

1. The babe has impeccable taste.

Besides loving moi, there are a few things that point out the babe's ability to discern the best from all the rest. Her celebrity crush is Tina Fey. Obviously an excellent choice. She prefers to eat only organic, locally grown/raised food. Doesn't get much better than that. Her favorite television show is Six Feet Under. Now, I've never seen it, but every time I talk to anyone about it, they sigh deeply and shake their head in that oh-those-were-the-greatest-moments-of-my-life kind of way. The place she dreams of living is a farmhouse with a lot of land in Burlington, Vermont. Duh.

2. The babe is no slave to fashion.

I like clothes. A lot. I stare into store windows as I pass them. I dream about them. In fact, last night I had a dream about this fabulous pair of black cowboy boots with white cut-outs that just sort of miraculously showed up in my closet and went beautifully with the black skirt I was wearing. It was great...

Anyway, the babe is not about that. It's not that she's fashion challenged (that might be a different story). No, she's just relaxed about it. She likes what she likes. Doesn't feel a need to follow the trends. Although she could show up at my door wearing a pair of men's flannel-lined Carhartts: But what can I say? It just makes me love her more.

3. The babe has emotions, and she knows how to use them.

I'm a little bit emotional. Like I cry in commercials emotional. And sometimes moody. And maybe difficult. These qualities have let me to have excessively (or maybe not) high regard for things like therapy and yoga and faith and Pema Chodron. The Babe also has a high regard for these things.

When I say things like, "I'm just having a hard time being compassionate with myself right now," she furrows her brow in that gentle, loving way and puts her arm around me. When I say, "I don't know where I fit in a faith community. I don't know what that looks like," she knods her head knowingly. And she lets me do the same for her.

I know. Lesbians.

4. The babe is smart.

On a recent long car trip, the babe talked to me for about two hours about the economy. And when I say "talked to me," I mean taught me everything there is to know, including what the Dow Jones is because, my dear friends, economics is an area where I am, shall we say, dumb. But the great thing about the babe - she never makes me feel that way. She's like a little current affairs encyclopedia, but I never feel stupid around her. I just feel really glad that she can answer all of my questions and maybe make me look smarter by association.

This also means she can go head to head with my dad. Which is a whole other post for another day. But it's good.

5. The babe has played in the dirt.

The babe has expressed concern that if she had never worked on an organic farm, I wouldn't be with her. Good thing she'll never have to find out. I kid! But seriously, it's a good thing she did. No - I'm joking! I love her! Seriously.

But I love it that she worked on an organic farm and that she gets all riled up about things like how to appropriately plant grass seed. Lots of people are all down with the organic/local movement, but how many people decide that they really want to be a part of it? Not many. But that's the kind of gal the babe is.

6. The babe is in love with a dog.

It was hard for me to accept at first - not being her only love. But after having spent more time with the cute pup, I get it. I'm sort of in love with him too. And if she wants to snuggle with him instead of me, I understand. As long as I get to snuggle with him next.

7. The babe is funny.

Don't tell her I told you, because she kind of gets a big head about these things. But the babe is funny. Mostly because she's a goob and doesn't mind looking silly. Also, after she does something funny, she invariably laughs and says "I'm funny," which is always funny.

8. The babe has an excellent vocabulary.

Having gotten my BA in English and MFA in theatre, language is very important to me. A quality vocabulary matters - I can't help it. And the babe's got one. She uses all sorts of great words, and in excellent combinations. Things like, "You're beautiful," or "These are the best cookies ever," or "I'm the luckiest person on earth," or "How did you get to be so amazing?" or my personal favorite, "Tonight we'll snuggle like maniacs." I mean, the word choice, the particularized phrasing - I just don't know what to say. She's obviously wonderful.

9. The babe is exceedingly playful.

The babe grew up with two older brothers. That's right - she's a youngest. I am an oldest. Which, again, is really a whole post for another day. But the important thing for today is that at any given moment, the babe may be poking me, tickling me, trying to stick my hair up my nose, trying to get me to pick my own nose, sticking her finger in my ear, making horrible faces that disturb me, or trying to give me a wedgie.

You may be wondering how those things made it into this list. It seems like they should be on some other list, like Things That Annoy Me About My Five Year Old Brother. It's true - they might be on that list. BUT...sometimes a little levity is a great thing. Sometimes I need to just be ridiculous and silly. Also, it's great training for one day having really annoying children.

10. The babe is my favorite person to be with.

I mean, this is really the main thing after all, isn't it? That I just miss her when she's not around. That I like talking to her and laughing with and just hanging out with her on the couch. That I'd rather study sitting next to her than sitting next to anyone else. (Okay, this might be because she pokes me and gives me longing glances, and then we end up finding some random corner to go make out in, but you get my point.) I like her.


Over the course of writing this, I've come up with about 7,000 other things, but I guess I'll save those for another day. I wouldn't want you to start dry heaving.

At least the anti-choice folks didn't win

I turned on the computer this morning fully intending to write a glowing, beaming, disgustingly happy post about Obama, about progress and change and the spirit of America. After falling asleep to the sounds of celebration in the streets, I was ready this morning to jump up and down. I had a title ready – “The Bradley Effect can kiss my hot, victorious bootay.” It was good.

And then I sat down and started reading. It started with Virgin in the Volcano. Normally I count on her blog for some laughs, but not this morning. This morning she wrote,

“There were happy honkers here in Boston all night, celebrating Obama's victory and the blue turn of the House and Senate. After 8 years of Bush disasters, people finally had something to look forward to and felt good. But I don't feel good at all. In California, Prop 8, with 91% of the vote reported this morning, looks like it will pass, once again denying homosexuals the right to marry. Florida and Arizona passed props banning gay marriage. Arkansas passed a prop to ban gay couples from adopting. And in California, you know who voted overwhelmingly for Prop 8? Black people.

So exactly what kind of moment is this in history? I don't think it's the amazing triumph the newscasters are touting. A black man became president, sure, but the vote really wasn't for him. The vote was for whomever not connected to Bush, to the Republican party, who has steered the world into the worst economic crisis since the 1920's. People voted for their jobs and pension plans, the value of their mutual funds, the ability to obtain a line of credit. And when those things were not involved, they voted on the same old hateful lines. They voted to say, no faggots welcome.

The new myth of America, the one that drones on about change and humble beginnings, is the old myth of America, and I am tired of it. I am ashamed. I can't protect the people I love from institutionalized hate. My parents will have to pull out their No on 8 signs from the front lawn, feel over and over the ugly things the country has said about their son.”

I read the results of all of the ballot measures. I cried. It’s a resounding blow to gays. A resounding statement that America is not behind us – this hopeful, changing America.

I feel like the cheers were stolen right out of my mouth.

And yet…

Obama DID win. A black man will be the president of the United States of America.

I am disappointed that the country is not where I want it to be.

I am disappointed with the black voters in California.

I am personally hurt by the votes of people who want to deny people like me the right to marry the people we love or to adopt children.

BUT I can’t ignore the import of what happened yesterday. I can’t ignore the fact that the people of this country – black and white and hispanic and asian and everything in between – voted Obama into office.

Despite the pain of these ballot measures, I am moved by this election. I still feel hope. I can’t help myself. In a country where less than 50 years ago, it was not illegal to keep a black man from voting, a black man has become president. That message of hope and change is for all of us – even if today wasn’t our day. This election has shown us that impossibilities are possibilities and that our day will come.

So, I can’t jump up and down, but I won’t cry in the corner either.

Yesterday on my tour of the Supreme Court, the guide pointed out the different animals represented in the architecture of one of the courtyards. Lions to represent protection. Owls to represent wisdom. And turtles to represent the slow and steady pace of justice.

Slow and steady she goes….

Sex, Poop, and Voting

I voted. For Obama.

It felt good.

Then I got a free cup of coffee.

And then...

I met Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.

She was pretty much exactly like I expected her to be - smart and gracious and busy. I'll steal a bit from the babe's analysis of the meeting and say that aside from not having a discussion involving an in-depth analysis of all of her decisions and what it felt like to be the only woman on the Supreme Court, it was great! :) Of course, that wasn't a possibility, but we got good pictures, and she got us seats to watch the argument that was starting.

And my friends, we could not have chosen a better day to sit in on an argument. We watched FCC v. Fox, in which Fox was arguing against sanctions for single instances of expletive use and the FCC was arguing for the ability to sanction single instances.

It was fabulous!

All of these words/phrases showed up in the hour (some repeatedly):

"Nicole Richie"

"Paris Hilton"

"Cher"

"bawdy jokes"

"the s-word"

"Big Bird dropping the s-bomb"

"Would the word 'dung' be allowed?"

"the f-word"

"sexual and/or excretory"

"What if it's a really funny use of an expletive?"

Seriously - I'm not sure I could've asked for anything better.

Except maybe if someone had mentioned boob grabbing.

Election Buffet

On this, the day before the election, I've got a little bit for everyone.


If you're really annoyed about the republicans' labeling of Obama as a socialist, either a) because you think it's a dirty word, b) because you think it's a beautiful word but Obama's just not it, or c) it really annoys you when people inappropriately use words, then check out this post over at saisai's blog. It's one of the best statements that I've read about what does or doesn't actually constitute socialist policies.


If you want a reason (for some of you, it might be another reason) to dislike McCain/Palin supporters, then read about the woman who put up a sign for trick-or-treaters reading, "No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters, or kids of supporters." Nice.


If you're tired of this whole thing and just want everyone to shut up, then you might want to venture over to this post at Thanks But No Thanks. Want a teaser? Ok, if you insist - "I'm not sure if you heard, but people who vote for Obama/Biden are vitriolic socialists. People who vote for McCain/Palin are dundering close-minded Neanderthals. Either way, your vote probably indicates that you hate women, Joe the Plumber, and people in general."


If you're concerned about a president who might not take the nation's problems seriously. Rest assured that Barack Obama isn't actually a big jokes-man. He's eloquent and knowledgeable - but not really all that funny. Which is fine by me.


Oh, I guess I left out the McCain/Palin supporters.

Oops.

My bad.

This just in. Breaking news.

Virgin in the Volcano is clearly no virgin.* Or maybe she's a virgin in the I'm-still-wearing-my-purity-ring-and-I-haven't-actually-had-intercourse-yet-but-I've-done-everything-else kind of way. At any rate, the shit has hit the fan.

That's right folks. An anonymous source has informed me that Virgin suffered a debilitating wrist injury this past week while performing a hand job. The source claims that the injury was the result of a weekend viagra experiment gone awry.

The source claims that at approximately 4:00 pm on Friday afternoon, a woman fitting Virgin's description ran into the ER, screaming "OOOOH, MY WRIST!!!! DAMN YOU VIAGRA!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!"

Apparently Virgin's co-hort decided to try out a high dose of viagra in the hopes of spicing up some weekend frolicking. Much fun was had. However, after 2 days, the fun just wouldn't go...down. Virgin came up with the brilliant idea of...um...well, shall we say working it out for the poor fellow.

Hence, the wrist injury.

Way to take one for the team, Virgin!

*If you're completely confused by this post, check out the comments on this post and this one.

Tribute to local growers

On a good Sunday morning, you can find me at the farmers market, buying yummy fruits and vegies and occasionally treating myself to some sumptuous baked goodness or a jar of fresh-made preserves. Mmmm....

I was listening to All Things Considered the other day, and they were interviewing a couple who runs an organic farm in Missouri. They have 4 acres, where they grow organic vegetables, and they bring those to farmers markets to sell to folks like me.

But this couple is barely breaking even. In fact, they're not breaking even. They're still in debt from purchasing the farm. They have no health insurance. Their two children get health insurance through Medicaid. They're renovating an old mobile home to live in.

Perhaps they've made poor business decisions. Perhaps they're not cut out to be farmers. But, whatever the reason for their current struggles, my heart went out to them. I thought about them today as I walked around the market and shelled out money (disclosure: it was the babe's money today) for produce that makes me feel healthy and good about the food that I put in my mouth.

I hope they've made enough money this weekend to cover their costs. I hope they're going to dine on a delicious meal this evening. And I hope the people who bought food from them were thankful that there are farmers out there committed to growing healthy, organic food for all of us to enjoy.

Hope you enjoyed the photos from today's market trip.

The pressure's on.

NaBloPoMo starts today. It's 8:19 pm, and I haven't posted anything. In fact, I've spent all day pretending that I'm jewish and have been relishing in shabbos with the babe. There's not a whole lot to say when all you've been doing is lazing around. My brain is flying frantically from one thought to the next trying to think of something interesting. There's nothing interesting in there, and my government contracts reading is calling me in an angry voice - "Young lady, get your butt into this chair and start this reading, or so help me, I will give you something to write about!" Yes, sir. He's giving me til the count of 3.

Some things that are worth saying this evening before he gets to 2 and 3/4:

1. I will vote in 3 days. Fingers crossed.
   
2. My rent is due on the 6th of every month. That's basically a 6-day grace period. It's a good thing.
3. I am glad to be alive this evening, and that's a good thing too (actually, it doesn't even belong in the same list as being glad about a 6-day grace period, but that's the nature of the post this evening). Sometimes it's good to be reminded of that.
4. I met four other people - FOUR - who love How I Met Your Mother. This makes me happy.
5. In one month and 9 days, I will be finished with this semester. Hallelujah.