The first step is admitting you have a problem

I made a foray yesterday into the Consumer Mecca of America. Costco.

My dear friends T and R drove me down to Alexandria and used their membership to get me into the land of plenty. I needed a lot of cheap party food for a reception at school, and I knew one of those big members only stores was the place to get it. I was right.

It's been over three years since I was in one of those stores, and I had forgotten their appeal. Nowadays I like to be all organic-y and local and hoity toity about my food purchases. But these Costco people know what they're doing.

So as soon as I got into the store, this battle began in my head between my inner non-consumer and my inner consumer. Wait. Ha. Who am I kidding? I don't have an inner non-consumer. Scratch that. It was between my inner socially conscious buyer and my inner cheapskate.

Cheapskate: Ooh, ooh. Good deal at 9 o'clock! Robe! Me likey! Soft! Pretty blue! Get it! Get it! Yeah, yeah.

Socially Conscious Buyer: When are you going to wear a robe? It's not like you lounge around the house in a robe. You do not need a robe. And if you did need a robe, you could buy one from a store that makes robes from hemp or bamboo.

Cheapskate: Ahahahaha!!! Hemp! Bamboo! Soft robe here! $14.99! Mmmm....feeeel...softttt.

Socially Conscious Buyer: Ugh. Okay, get the robe. But that's it. Do you understand me? That's. It.

Cheapskate: Right. That's - Ah!!! Fruit snacks! Yummy in my tummy! 80! For $10?!!! Pinch me! Pinch me! Fruity goodness!

Socially Conscious Buyer: Did you listen to me at all? I said no more. When are you going to eat 80 packages of fruit snacks?

Cheapskate: Yummy yummy yummy yummy...mmmm.....Fruit snacks fruit snacks fruit snacks wooh!

Socially Conscious Buyer: Dear God. Okay. At least you won't have to buy them from the vending machine at school anymore. You thought I didn't know you were doing that, huh? I knew. Nothing else goes in this cart that's not for the party - do you understand me?

Cheapskate: I under - SOCKS!! Oooooh, lots of socks! Pretty socks! Colors! Lookie lookie! Need socks! SIX PAIR!!! SIX! Sooooooo cheeeeaaaap! And PRETTY!!!

Socially Conscious Buyer: So....tired....getting....sleepy..........

Needless to say, I left with a robe, 6 pair of socks, a pair of slippers, 80 packages of fruit snacks, 48 packages of granola bars, 4 lbs of grapes (yes, 4 lbs), 4 wheels of that cheese that's packaged in little triangles, and a giant package of coffee. And I had a mammoth frozen yogurt - mainly because it only cost $1.80. I did manage to pass on the package of 12 toothbrushes. No matter how I tried to figure it, there was no way I could need 12 toothbrushes.

If T is reading this, she may be thinking that it didn't look like I was having this battle. It just looked more like I was running around Costco throwing things into my basket with wild-eyed glee. It's a common misperception. The wild-eyed look is actually the outward expression of the end of the argument. It goes something like this - "Damnet! I'm an American! Give me MORE!!!!"