Recap

Oh interwebs, I have missed you.  I would like to say that I was kidnapped and held for ransom, and that's why I haven't been writing.  But that would be a lie.  The reasons for my absence are no less exciting, though.

1.  I FINISHED LAW SCHOOL.

2.  After #1, I didn't want to look at my computer anymore.

3.  I went to North Carolina, just like last year, and had a ridiculously wonderful time.  I tie-dyed.  I learned new card games.  I engaged in sing-alongs.  I drank.  I played wiffle ball.  I ran through a sprinkler.  I played in a pond.  I ate tons of yummy food.

4.  I also pulled ticks off myself, my beloved, and the Jamster.

5.  I worked on my bar application.

6.  I GRADUATED.

7.  I GRADUATED.  (In case you missed it the first time.)

8.  I played with my family.

9.  I worked on my bar application.

10.  I cursed my bar application.

11.  I worked on my bar application some more.

12.  I MAILED MY BAR APPLICATION.

So now I can breath again and return to the computer and catch up on all of you and possibly clean my apartment.

The day that would never come

Tomorrow morning I take my last law school exam ever.*

I'm so deep in my own crankiness that I can't even imagine what it might feel like when I walk away, but here's hoping that it's something good.

*A little anti-climactic because it's pass/fail, but hey, I still have to pass.

When I grow up, I wanna be a debtor

We are so very close to the end here.  The babe's last final is today, and I have one more next Friday - pass/fail, though, so I'm feeling pretty relaxed about it.

As we spend our final days in law school, there's much talk of jobs - who has one, who doesn't, who has decided to forgo legal employment entirely.  I feel very very lucky to have a legal job for the coming year (even if I don't know the actual date I will begin), but so many of my friends do not have jobs and are struggling with the fact that everything after the bar seems to be a complete unknown.

When the law school rankings came out last week, the babe and I were shocked by the employment numbers.  With the financial meltdown and rampant layoffs and deferred hiring and law firm closings of last year, we were shocked to see such high employment numbers.  Something just seems...off.  I don't know how the numbers are crunched, but I'm skeptical.

I was glad to read this article about two students who are creating a non-profit organization - and website - to address the lack of detailed, reliable employment information for legal students.  I think what they're doing is so incredibly important.  For most students, law school involves a huge amount of debt.  In the past, many students have gone into law school under the assumption that they would leave with a "good-paying" job that would help them pay off that debt.  Students choosing to enter law school now need to understand what their real chances are of finding employment and what types of employment are available and probable out there.  Hopefully these numbers will help encourage more students to think carefully about the financial decision that they're making.

The recommendation that I see so often for students to go to the best school that they can get into isn't always the smart financial choice, particularly in a job market where there may not be a salary after graduation to pay off all that debt.  Sometimes the smarter choice is to go to a lower-ranked school where they can get a scholarship, or go part-time and work, or it might even be to decide that law school actually isn't the best choice in the end.

I'm excited to see some people addressing the issue, and I'm hopeful for this new crop of would-be lawyers.

Fiduciary duty from beyond the grave

I just came across this sentence in the corporations outline that I'm using to create mine:

"The burden is on the corporation to prove the decision was made in good faith by disinterred people."

And here I thought they just had to be disinterested.
Corporations just got way more exciting.

The light at the end of the longest tunnel ever - the one where you have to walk across broken glass the whole time

The law and literature papers are printed and stapled. They're not brilliant, but they also don't suck ass. Most importantly, they are now out of my control, which is - ironically - a wonderful feeling.

It's funny how you can work so hard* on a paper and by the time you turn it in, all you care about is whether it's the right number of words. What does it f-ing matter what it says? Or is that just me?

So now all that remains is the mediation paper, the corporations exam, and the pass-fail commercial paper exam. Seventeen days until freedom. And in three hours and fifteen minutes, I'll walk out of my last law school class ever - except of course for that thing called Bar Review, but let's not think about that. Let's focus: Last. Law. School. Class. Ever.

Yes Ma'am.

* By work so hard, I of course mean: begin writing the paper no more than one week before it's due and then work frantically on it while checking blogs, walking the dog, going to class, sleeping, having dinner with old friends, posting random pictures of your to-do lists, and watching the occasional episode of Jon Stewart.

Can you say high fructose corn syrup?

I had hoped to be in a better position going to bed this evening - with 2 first drafts done and not just one - but it's not to be. I'm halfway there on the 2nd one, so I'm not totally lost.

As my dear friend B reminded me, sometimes what you need in these difficult times is a high ponytail and some double bubble. Tomorrow, getting back to my college roots with Pril, I might also throw in some Doritos and peanut M&Ms. Not my normal snack foods, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Trail mix just ain't gonna cut it. There's work to be done.

The Last Wind Up

Possibly the last to-do list of the semester.

After Wednesday (dear god, please) I should have done all of the things on this list - especially since two of them are due on Tuesday (although I'll likely still be working on my bar application), and all I will have left to do is study for two exams.* And one of them is pass/fail. And then I'll be done. FINISHED.

* Who knew studying for exams could feel like such a Not Big Thing? After writing these papers, it'll be a welcome diversion.

Weekend with (In)Sanity Gal

Emphasis on the (in). Things are not sane around here - mostly because I've been crazy this weekend and have not done nearly enough work. But more on that later.

I went to my first meetup group with a knitting/crocheting group in DC. Everyone there seemed to be way more advanced than me, but I had a nice time and really just enjoyed having made the space to do something creative. And here's the beginning of the lovely (hopefully!) bag that I'm making! I'm struggling a bit with the part where I join the different colors, but I figure I can do it this way on this bag and then try it another way the next time.

I headed to the local library and checked out almost every book they had on dog training. Of course, they've mostly been sitting on the table since then. We've scheduled an appointment with a trainer next week to help us with some of the more serious concerns (read separation anxiety and resource guarding). I'm glad to have the books but more excited to have a trainer coming - I'm a person who benefits from a little authority. I think I'll feel much better having someone come in tell us what to do.

And then at some point, I had the painful realization that I have two weeks to write three papers, totalling 45 pages. I have not a single page.

PS - As I was writing this post, the babe came up behind me and asked what I was doing - I pointed to the title of the post. She giggled and, waving her arms wildly in the air, squealed "I SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH (IN)SANITY GAL!" What a nut.

Even really dark clouds can still have silver linings

I graduate in 55 days, and I'm finished with finals two weeks before that. This law school adventure is almost over.*

This past Friday night was Barrister's Ball - law school prom, if you will. The babe and I have gone every year and always have a wonderful time. It's like going to a club all dressed up with all our friends. This year, a big group of us squished together to pose for a photo during pre-party festivities. As the little self-timer flash on the camera began to blink and we gleefully yelled at one friend to hurry into position, I thought about how incredibly grateful I am for the wonderful group of friends that I've made in law school. And all of my friends weren't even there.

I have done a lot of complaining while I've been on this journey. A. Lot. And I'm not saying now that all that complaining wasn't valid or that the feelings weren't real - they most definitely were. But as we get closer to graduation and to the start of a new journey which will carry many of my friends far away from me - to California and beyond, I find myself focusing more and more on this particular blessing of law school.

I've done a lot of work, and there have been some really crappy test-taking, paper-writing, forgot-how-much-reading-this-was days. But I've also gone to great dances, had wonderful potlucks, gone camping, played games, enjoyed dinner parties, laughed at lunch time, and spent weekends on vacation together with some of the most fun people I've ever known.

So, thank you, law school. (And enjoy it, because this might be the only time you'll ever hear it from me.)

* Don't speak to me of the bar.

Crotcheting is better than Corporations

This last semester of law school, I'm walking a delicate balance between pretending that I'm not in law school anymore and feeling bad about not doing more work. To be fair, I'm a sort of hard worker in general, so aside from the pass/fail class I'm taking, I do the reading, pay attention in class, and study for exams. I'm just less invested this semester. All of that to say that I'm diving in to some activities that I've really missed while I've been in school - one of which is crocheting. I pulled out my hooks and yarn and started playing with some patterns.

Completely inspired by Lucy over at Attic24, I bought $25 of lovely yarn.


And in the next week or so, I'm planning to get started on this delightful bag so that I have something to put all my yarn in!


PS - For those of you - ahem, Virgin - who have absolutely no interest in all this craftiness, please feel free to skip my crafty posts. But be forewarned, I think (and hope) that there's more to come!

Because looking back is better than living in the present

Even though I was sick the entire time, Spring Break was pretty great. Particularly when you compare it to the first Monday back after Spring Break, when my nose is raw and cracked from blowing, and I seem to have forgotten what it means to be a student. So instead of focusing on that awfulness, I'm remembering a few of the delightful moments of last week:




Later that day, I would parallel ski all the way down a green run. And the next day, I would ski on 3 blue runs. Can you say "(In)Sanity Gal conquered the mountain?" That's right.




This is a sign of the moment while, sitting on the toilet in the hotel, I realized that I must make more of an effort to feed my crafting desires. I really liked the look of the fabric of the shower curtain, and I thought to myself I wonder if anyone would notice if I stole this shower curtain?*

When we came home (and discovered that I had most kindly gifted my horrific cold to the babe), I made a kick-ass pot of chicken soup with whole wheat matzo balls from the babe's mom's recipe, which we demolished in no time at all. We ate it twice a day for like four days. Yum.

* I didn't.

I'm so Kafka-esque

The primary advantage of studying law, as one writer put it, “was that it allowed him to delay for a little longer any real decision about what to do, while at the same time ostensibly satisfying his father’s demand that a course of study lead to a source of income.” Remarking upon Kafka’s ambivalence, Max Brod stated, “[l]aw he took up with a sigh because it was the school that involved the least fixed goal, or the [largest] choice of goals ... the school that put off longest taking a decision. . .” Kafka wrote of his own apathy that, “everything would be exactly as much of a matter of indifference to me as all the subjects taught at school, and so it was a matter of finding a profession that would be most likely to allow me to indulge this indifference without overmuch injuring my vanity. So law was the obvious choice.”

Sounds vaguely familiar (except for the father part).

Yes, I'm taking law and literature. And yes, I love it.

FemLaw

Last semester of law school.

I've got 5 professors, and only one of them is a man.

And I wasn't even trying.

Sprinting might be easier

I'm 5/6 of the way through law school, and the time in this last winter break is speeding along much too quickly. I've been finished for almost 4 days now, and I can't seem to get my mind to come down, to really sink into the relaxation. I think it's because I know that in two weeks, I've got to be back in it.

I ran a marathon once. It was grueling. My knee started hurting at mile 6. I was running it with my dad (who had actually done this before), and his calf had been hurting during training and then really started hurting during the race. We hobbled along for over six hours. Once when I wanted to start walking, my dad reminded me that the more we walked the longer it would take and the harder it would be to start running again. I was so incredibly torn - the running was awful, but I knew he was right. If we started to walk, it would just be that more painful to start running again.

I think my brain is quietly going through those machinations right now - if I really settle into this relaxation thing, it is just going to be THAT MUCH HARDER to pick up that reading again in less than two weeks and try to get ready for that first class on Jan. 4. And then of course, if I don't let myself melt into that relaxation, I may just fall over before I get to the finish line.

The Past is the Past is the Future

I was trying to finish a paper recently, and I was lamenting to a friend about the stupid decisions that I had made along the way that were making it really difficult for me to finish, i.e. inserting a footnote with no information in it.

And he said, "Yeah, Past M is always doing stupid things like that for Future M to deal with."

I thought it was the most brilliant thing I'd ever heard, and after chatting with folks about it, it is clearly the cross to bear of the law school type.

Past (In)Sanity Gal hates Future (In)Sanity Gal. Clearly. Or else she thinks Future (In)Sanity Gal is some sort of superhero who has the ability to fly over large buildings and write 15-page papers in a single bound. Whichever it is, Future (In)Sanity Gal is constantly being left with Past (In)Sanity Gal's giant mess to clean up, and it's annoying. And it makes Present (In)Sanity Gal feel as though she is LOSING HER MIND. Which is obviously what is happening here because, although this is clearly a brilliant idea, this paragraph is also the rambling madness of a crazy person.

Thanksgiving Threats

I just got this in my email box.

Here's a hint:

Anyone who gets me anything related to the bar exam for Christmas should thereafter sleep with one eye open. Understood?

The Bright Side

It's important to have a positive attitude and be grateful for things. I've said it here myself. So, I've compiled a list of the ways in which being in law school has improved my life. Here goes:

1. I'm not as fun anymore.

Fun is overrated and often involves things that aren't good for you - like alcohol, sleepless nights, and laughter. We know what alcohol and lack of sleep can do. Too much laughing could cause you to pull something or shoot soda out of your nose, which could lead to sinus problems. Fun is dangerous.

2. I don't work out anymore.

Working out subjects your body to all sorts of stress. People who work out always have bad knees. And then if you end up looking fit, people hate you. Or expect you to help them carry things - like their new tv or their 2 ton sofabed. Not worth it.

3. I have no creativity.

It would be really depressing to have endless creativity and no where and no time to be able to use it. Better that it just gets zapped right away.

4. I am much more judgmental than I used to be.

This is important. How else can you be sure that you're right and everyone else is wrong if you're not constantly judging them?

5. I'm not very nice anymore.

It's important to get in touch with that part of yourself that hates other people who seem happy or put together. Otherwise, you might just be happy - and then other people would hate you. And who wants that?

6. I'm going to make a lot of money when I graduate.

Thank goodness, because I'll have shit tons of debt.

7. I don't hang out with my pre-law school friends much at all.

This is good because they wouldn't like me much anyway. See numbers 4 and 5.

8. I met a lot of good friends and the babe.

For serious. Thank god (or nature or science or whatever you might thank in this circumstance - see number 4 (which apparently translates into being a giant religion bigot)).

Towards becoming an overwork atheist

The other day during class, I took out a container of the vegetable fried rice that the babe and I made the night before for dinner and started to eat it. The girl I sit next to turned to me and asked "how do you have time to cook?"

It was more an accusation than a question.

My initial thought was "how would I not have time to cook?" I mean, I have to eat.

What I said: "I just don't do other things."

I don't pretend that I never have those feelings of anger or jealousy when I see that someone else seems to have time for the things that I miss - for crafting or reading or being a member of a choir - all those things that I feel like I've left behind since law school.

It's made me think about a passage from Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle:

"Overwork actually has major cachet in a society whose holy trinity is efficiency, productivity, and material acquisition. Complaining about it is the modern equivalent of public prayer."

As miserable as I can get about law school, the truth is that what I do or don't do is the result of my own choices. I choose to cook, and the result is that sometimes I don't do other things. Those other things may be homework; they may be hanging out with friends; they may be sleeping an extra hour; sometimes, it's bathing. (Yes, I'm putting that out there.) The reality is that there are only 24 hours in a day, and I make choices about how to spend them.

I am tired of participating in the ritual complaining. And I'm tired of feeling guilty in the moments where I make the choice to do something nurturing instead of reveling in self-pity at my own "overwork."

There are so many people in the world who are truly overworked, who truly cannot find time to sleep or nurture themselves because they barely have enough time to make enough to house themselves and their families. There are those who work multiple jobs just to eat. And yet, I don't think those are the people complaining. They don't have time.

I complain - a law student with a beautiful apartment, classes four days a week, a job ready for me after graduation, a wonderful girlfriend, and weekly meals that include fresh meat from the local farmers market. Though it may come across as such, I’m not interested here in self-flagellation. I'm not alone in my behavior, and I don't feel the need to condemn myself for it.

What I do want is to recognize reality and give myself permission to walk away from the overwork dogma and the requisite complaining that goes along with it.

I'm sure in the weeks and months to come, you'll find complaints on this blog - I'm human, after all. But I hope that sometimes in the midst of my complaining, I'll remember back to this post and relax a bit.

Six weeks...

until finals.

Elation.

Terror.

3L-itis and bad

I so don't want to do this anymore.