Because looking back is better than living in the present

Even though I was sick the entire time, Spring Break was pretty great. Particularly when you compare it to the first Monday back after Spring Break, when my nose is raw and cracked from blowing, and I seem to have forgotten what it means to be a student. So instead of focusing on that awfulness, I'm remembering a few of the delightful moments of last week:




Later that day, I would parallel ski all the way down a green run. And the next day, I would ski on 3 blue runs. Can you say "(In)Sanity Gal conquered the mountain?" That's right.




This is a sign of the moment while, sitting on the toilet in the hotel, I realized that I must make more of an effort to feed my crafting desires. I really liked the look of the fabric of the shower curtain, and I thought to myself I wonder if anyone would notice if I stole this shower curtain?*

When we came home (and discovered that I had most kindly gifted my horrific cold to the babe), I made a kick-ass pot of chicken soup with whole wheat matzo balls from the babe's mom's recipe, which we demolished in no time at all. We ate it twice a day for like four days. Yum.

* I didn't.

Towards becoming an overwork atheist

The other day during class, I took out a container of the vegetable fried rice that the babe and I made the night before for dinner and started to eat it. The girl I sit next to turned to me and asked "how do you have time to cook?"

It was more an accusation than a question.

My initial thought was "how would I not have time to cook?" I mean, I have to eat.

What I said: "I just don't do other things."

I don't pretend that I never have those feelings of anger or jealousy when I see that someone else seems to have time for the things that I miss - for crafting or reading or being a member of a choir - all those things that I feel like I've left behind since law school.

It's made me think about a passage from Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle:

"Overwork actually has major cachet in a society whose holy trinity is efficiency, productivity, and material acquisition. Complaining about it is the modern equivalent of public prayer."

As miserable as I can get about law school, the truth is that what I do or don't do is the result of my own choices. I choose to cook, and the result is that sometimes I don't do other things. Those other things may be homework; they may be hanging out with friends; they may be sleeping an extra hour; sometimes, it's bathing. (Yes, I'm putting that out there.) The reality is that there are only 24 hours in a day, and I make choices about how to spend them.

I am tired of participating in the ritual complaining. And I'm tired of feeling guilty in the moments where I make the choice to do something nurturing instead of reveling in self-pity at my own "overwork."

There are so many people in the world who are truly overworked, who truly cannot find time to sleep or nurture themselves because they barely have enough time to make enough to house themselves and their families. There are those who work multiple jobs just to eat. And yet, I don't think those are the people complaining. They don't have time.

I complain - a law student with a beautiful apartment, classes four days a week, a job ready for me after graduation, a wonderful girlfriend, and weekly meals that include fresh meat from the local farmers market. Though it may come across as such, I’m not interested here in self-flagellation. I'm not alone in my behavior, and I don't feel the need to condemn myself for it.

What I do want is to recognize reality and give myself permission to walk away from the overwork dogma and the requisite complaining that goes along with it.

I'm sure in the weeks and months to come, you'll find complaints on this blog - I'm human, after all. But I hope that sometimes in the midst of my complaining, I'll remember back to this post and relax a bit.

3L-itis and bad

I so don't want to do this anymore.

And then you have to finally decide

Read a lot, finish the quilt that I started 5 years ago, do lots of yoga, start running again regularly, work out in the gym, cook scrumptious meals, blog more, keep in touch with friends better, practice the piano, maybe even do some writing.

These are all things that I thought were going to happen this summer - this time of respite from law school. So far, I was really off.

The relaxed 9-5:30 that I was working last summer looks more like 9-7:00 this summer, which is not bad. And I've even gotten off early a few times. It's not the work. It's the socializing.

I am socializing like crazy. I'm working at a firm this summer, but I've got a fellowship through them, which basically means that I'm working one half of the summer for a public defender office and one half of the summer at the firm. It also means that I have to work a little harder to get face time at the firm. So, I'm trying to balance the public defender work time with firm socializing time. I'm trying to make it back for lunches. I'm going to happy hours, joined the softball team, going to random networking things. I'm exhausted every night.

There's been no yoga, no running, no crafting, no writing. Blogging has been incredibly limited, as have reading, cooking, practicing the piano, and keeping up with friends.

To some extent it's about choices. I choose to sit on the couch for an hour or so in the evenings when I can with the babe, share work stories, and watch an episode of something good. I guess that's time that I could spend doing other things. I've never been good at picking and choosing. I remember a high school conversation with my dad where I told him that I wanted to be first chair of the flutes in band. He said I certainly could be if I made that my priority. But I also wanted to be on the academic bowl and in the beta club. And I wanted to make all As. And I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend and be in the youth choir at church.* And I wanted to keep taking piano lessons.

I wonder if I'll ever figure this part of life out. If I'll ever learn to be content with the things that are in my everyday life and not focused on the things that aren't.

*Yes, I was a nerdy goody twoshoes.

Tagged: Best and Worst

Laughing tagged me, and to thank her, I proceeded to fall of the face of the planet - as least as my blog was concerned.



I'm back, at least for the moment, and I won't make a bunch of excuses for my absence. I'll just say that I've been insanely busy. And a lot of it has been good. And some of it hasn't. And that leads us right into Laughing's tag - the best and worst of the first. Except for me it was the second.



I thought about it for a while - since she tagged me about 2 weeks ago, and I'm just posting now. What were the best and worst moments of Law School Year Two?



There were a zillion best and worst moments in my personal life, but I'll still with law school life here.



Best: I gave a presentation in my feminist legal theory class with my dear friend T. The topic was prostitution, and as we began our research, I became really interested in what was happening with young girls and the market for virgins. I was borderline obsessed, and I spent way more time researching than was necessarily merited. I watched documentaries and read blogs, and I think the babe got sort of tired of hearing about it. T and I talked about it all the time. And then we put together this totally kick-ass powerpoint presentation with documentary clips and quotes and numbers and pictures and all sorts of stuff. And we created an interactive portion of the presentation so that we could promote discussion about what it means to be a prostitute and whether people would or would not choose the job as compared to other jobs, like being a medical guinea pig or a porn actress or a secretary or a hired killer or a nude model. The presentation went amazingly and the other students were really interested in it. When we finished, one of them said that it was amazing, and I realized that, like me, they hadn't really known about a lot of this or thought about it before. It felt so wonderful to have shared all of that information - to have opened other people's eyes about what goes on with young girls in this country every day, to have really good discussion about the tension points between victimization and autonomy. It was one of the most proud moments I've had.



Worst: It's hard to pick out a worst moment - I think because the whole year sort of blends together in lots of really awful moments. It's easier to pick out a great moment from there. I'm aware that not everyone feels that way about law school. I envy those other people.* At any rate, I think what I'm going to single out as my worst moment was actually two days during reading week of second semester. I got a journal substantiation assignment, and it was the longest one I had ever had. I had been out of town the weekend before, so the only time to do it was the first couple days of reading week (which isn't actually a whole week). I really don't enjoy substantiation in the first place, but this took hours and hours and hours. Somewhere between 12 and 15 total, which maybe doesn't seem like that much. But when every moment I spent on it felt like a moment that I wasn't spending studying for the three exams that I had coming up, it felt very, very long. I finished it; the jury's still out on one of the exams. And the one that I didn't do so well on - well, I can't really say it was the journal's fault. I don't know. But it sure felt that way at the time.

Because I waited so freakin' long, I'm not going to tag anyone, but if anybody decides to do it, let me know.


*By envy, sometimes I mean hate.

First Things First

Orientation today at The Big Firm.

I won't be back for five weeks. I've got a public interest fellowship, so I start a new job for the second time in two days tomorrow as I head to the public interest organization. I'm sure working there will great, but I have to admit that the first day of a new job isn't my favorite experience.

Highlight of today's first day:

I'm at lunch with three other summers and our four mentors. We're talking bar trips. One of the mentors describes her six week trip around the world. She took it last year before she started working at The Big Firm. The progression of countries sounds oddly familiar to me.

"Did you do that trip with a friend from Our Law School?"

"Yes."

..."Does she have a blog?"

"Yes."

I was right. It was a blogger that I'd read before starting law school and then some after starting. Small world.

Panic Attack in 3...2...

I really really really Do Not Want to Do This Anymore.


There's more, but writing a blog post in the middle of an ensuing panic attack strikes me as a bad idea. Also, everything I wrote looked like it was written by a self-absorbed 8 year old.

Which seems about right.

Pregnant lesbians are more fun than law school

I was going to write a post about my spring break trip to St. John in the Virgin Islands. Or maybe about how much I hate it that I'm not still in St. John. Yes, the latter is probably more likely as I seem to have gone the way of many law students in that I seem to find nothing more interesting than my own incessant whining.

But you've been saved.

Thanks to my dear friend T who clued me into the goings on of one Iron Chef America star (whom I've never heard of) Cat Cora. From this article, I've learned that she's a lovely blond lady who's gay and having a son with her partner. So what, you say? Not only is she pregnant with a son - so is her partner. Big deal, you say? Not only are they both pregnant - they're carrying each others embryos. Of course they live in California. (Hi Virgin :))

T thinks this is the way I should do it.

Calm down. I won't be having children for a while.

But I'm thinking first about two women married to each other being pregnant at the same time. Hmm... That seems to me not the greatest idea. I mean, the babe and I struggle going through 1 month of exam prep and exam taking together. 9 months of pregnancy? Labor? Recovery? They're doing theirs 3 months apart, so they have a little window, I guess. But who's there to go out for pickles and ice cream if you're both pregnant? Maybe their sperm donor is a really nice guy and he'll make the craving runs and do the back and foot rubs and run the warm bath. But what if he's asleep?

Isn't that the whole great thing about having a spouse while you're going through that? So that there's someone there to take care of you when you're feeling all fat and tired and cranky? I mean, obviously you wouldn't exploit it. And the benefit of a lesbian relationship where both women carry is that both women get to be the giver and the recipient of those kindnesses. But at the same time? I don't think so.

But I do have to admit that I'm drawn to the trading embryos business. That way each woman gets to feel like she's part of the pregnancy and birth. Although unfortunately for me, I'm imagining all sorts of legal issues if the relationship ends. Ugh. Oh, there I go with the law school whining again.

There's another part of me that thinks it's best to go as natural as possible - no taking embryos out and putting them anywhere else. Just shoot the stuff and let things happen.

Meet me back here in 3-4 years, and I'll let you know what I decide.

Next year....

I am skipping February. Nothing good comes of this month. I'm done with it.

Next year the time between January and March will be spent hibernating.

All About the Funk

I've been in a for-serious funk lately. It's a new funk, though.

My previous funk was lots about law school - not being sure I should be in it, hating it, wanting instead to be a yoga instructor, baker, teacher, bum, travel writer, professional television watcher, novelist, interior decorator, chef, kitten, 8-year old, etc...

In my current funk, the whole anti-law school thing is just a yawn. Duh, law school sucks. Moving on. Which leaves me with a bit of confusion about what exactly the funk is about. And of course my therapist is away on a family emergency which leaves me to figure it out for myself. Hahahahahahaha. Is it possible to be addicted to therapy?

Anyway, the current funk is just...funky. And not in a good way. I cry. I'm cranky. I find fault with others. I find fault with myself...and then determine that it's not me, it's them...and then determine that it's not them, it's me...and then... I'm tired a lot.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not walking around depressed all the time. I laugh and hang out with friends and have a good time, but there's this sort of cloud that I keep carrying around that I can't seem to shake. I'll think I have and then OH Hello! It's you again you giant gray bastard!

So I've been thinking that maybe I'm just spending a little too much time thinking about me. Sometimes you need a lot of time to be with yourself and figure things out, and maybe sometimes you've been with yourself enough. And you need to get out of yourself and get some perspective.

And here comes the point.

I've been thinking about/talking about/researching about volunteering for a while. I've looked into a few things that didn't work out. But I sent in an application today to an organization that I'm really interested in volunteering with and here's hoping that they get back to me and say that they're got a place for someone with my skills.

There's part of me that's thinking - are you crazy?! You've got so much going on; how can you afford to spend time volunteering? But I think I've had enough of that voice for the moment. It's a little bit self-involved, and I'm not sure that's serving me all that well right now. So, I'm committed to this. I'm stepping out of the inside of my head.

It's Delightful

to find yourself in a multi-stalled bathroom in the middle of the afternoon drying your eyes and blowing your nose.

When you live at law school, where the hell else are you going to have your emotional breakdowns?

It Sucks to Be Me

Okay, so maybe not totally - there are a lot of wonderful things in my life - my family, the babe, my beautiful new apartment, with a gym, and cute dogs everywhere.

However, I'm in law school and not making plans to take a bike ride around the country working on sustainable farms.

Yeah, so my lucky duck friend Ibti is getting all prepped and ready, including learning how to ride a bike. And figuring out where friends of friends and happy sustainably-nourished people live to help her on her journey.

Go check it out!

Things That Don't Make Your Note Get Finished

1. Facebook.
2. Online shopping. I know. I'm as shocked as you are. I looked at my note, and I was like - wait a second...there aren't any more words than there were an hour ago! What's going on here?!
3. Talking on the phone. Good for whining about your note, but not so much for getting it finished.
4. Posting things on craigslist. Unless it's a post for someone to come write your note for you. Obviously that's a very bad idea. But call me if you're interested.
5. Seething with hatred. Good for the soul; bad for the note. Or maybe just bad?
6. Facebook. Still.
7. Packing. It's important. How can you move if you're not packed? But the more important question is will you have space to save those boxes for the cardboard house you're going to have to build for yourself after you flunk out of lawschool and aren't able to pay back your copious debt? Good point.
8. Writing blogs. Wait what?

Shit.

I'll be sorry about this later.

I have made a shocking waste of an entire day at school and appear to have blocked out of my mind the fact that I'm not writing this note on my own time table and for my own blissful edification, that it is, in fact, due next Friday. That between today and next Friday, I'm hanging out with the babe's friends who are coming into town, ushering in a new president (complete with an inauguration party and several hours of waiting in the freezing cold with hoards of other people), doing reading for all of my classes, going to said classes, showing prospective renters my apartment, and starting to pack for the move that will occur the next week.

I'm not sure what led me to believe that I could just procrastinate for an ENTIRE day.

From 0 to 60 in less than 3 seconds...but not as hot as a porsche

IreallyhopethatIfigureoutsomeplanforgettingworkdonethissemesterprettyquicklybecauseasitstandsI'mrunningaroundlikeacrazypersonandtheinsideofmybrainlookslikethisandit'spossiblethatI'mlosingmymindandI'monlythreedaysin.Thisdoesnotbodewellforme.

Maybe I'm Mistaken

But I appear to be doing this again. This, of course, being law school.

I don't think I wasted enough time over the break.

From the sad halls of law...

I'm writing this post from school. That's not a big deal for those of you who are still taking finals (gooooooo you guys!), but I'm finished with finals. And yet, here I am. Printing out articles to read while I'm on vacation. The glory of having to write a note. Who signed up for this? Oh right. It was me. Hey, 1Ls out there, remember that you don't HAVE to do a journal. Make sure you really want to first. I'm sure when I finish this note and (hopefully) get it published, I'll be glad that I did it. But right now it's annoying.

Holiday Observations

I leave Atlanta tomorrow and head back home to DC. It's been interesting being home this time. I've been watching my family relax and enjoy the weekend while I've been prepping for exams. There's been some jealousy. I won't pretend that there hasn't been.

But mostly I've been noticing how tightly I cling to any moments of free time I have, how much pressure I put on those moments, how I want to use them perfectly, suck every bit of pleasure possible out of them. And I'm noticing that my mom and her husband don't do that. They putter, they close their eyes for a few minutes while they're reading, they stand around in the hard while the dogs are pooping. They don't guard every moment like it's worth a million dollars.

I miss that. I miss feeling like there's some room to play, some room to flamboyantly waste time.
I know that the holiday break is going. But it's only a respite.

I'm hearing my mom's voice in my head telling me how lucky I am to have the opportunity to go to law school, to a good school. To do this after I've already gone to college and graduate school. I know that's true.

But right now I'm just tired.

If you're a 1L, stop reading.

Dear Anyone Who Said/Suggested/Intimated that 2L Year Would be Easier,

I am writing this letter as a courtesy. Keep in mind that I do not have to - that I could carry out my plan without warning you first. But I am kind. Unlike you, oh hateful soul.

I suggest that you pull together your valuables and your loved ones (if someone so evil as you has any of those) and get thee to a safe place. Because the fury which I am about to let loose on you and all that you love has not been seen.

I don't want to give everything away, but I'll give you a teaser.

Cheers,

(In)Sanity Gal *

*If you'd like to suggest that my anger may be misplaced, please see above.

Callbacks and Ecuador

Sometimes my posts on here make me feel like I'm bipolar.

Happy post. Sad post. Funny post. Depressed post.

Maybe that's just the nature of law school.

I feel worn out today - tired and like maybe I could cry at any moment for no reason. (Note to self - writing "I could cry at any moment for no reason" makes it worse. Don't do that again.)

I had my 4th callback with BigLaw today. So that's all the callbacks. 2 rejections already. The 3rd one is still out there, but my chances are pretty small considering the number of slots they still have open and the number of offers still in the balance. The interviews today seemed to go fine, but now I'm jaded and disgruntled, so who knows? Everyone's at the end of their callback schedules, so they've already made lots of offers.

I feel like I need to shake myself and say, "hey, snap out of it!" I'll let you know how that goes.

In other news:

My dear friend B and her husband P (an Ecuadorian citizen) are meeting with the US consulate tomorrow in Ecuador, and hopefully that will go well and they'll be able to enter the US soon together! And never have to be apart again. Send good thoughts that way!