Thursday, November 19, 2009

There's always clapping on the other side of the fence

I saw Jersey Boys last night. It was great fun - I knew even more of the songs than I realized, and it made me want to come home and download everything The Four Seasons onto my ipod and go for a run.*

But I was also on the verge of tears for a ridiculous portion of the show. Will the feeling of wanting to perform never go away? I thought when I started law school that becoming a trial lawyer would be a good outlet for those performance desires, but it's not. I don't like it. And so I just miss it. Most of the time the longing sort of hangs out in the back of my mind, and I don't pay much attention to it. But then I'll go see a show - especially musicals - and I'll think That person on stage is The Luckiest Person Alive. That person has The Best Job Ever. And it hurts - the longing makes my chest hurt.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic - but I guess that's the point. I AM dramatic, and I miss celebrating it.

Several years ago when I was still working as a personal trainer and trying to figure out what to do with my life, I had a conversation with my dear friend C. We were next to each other on the stairmasters at the gym where we worked, and I told her that I didn't want to end up at some point in my life and think I just gave up on my dreams. I wasn't willing to do what it would take to be great. I wanted stability instead. She told me to look around the room - Every one of these people can look back on their lives and say that.

I chose stability. And ease. I gave up. I threw in the towel. I wasn't willing to do what it takes. I blame myself.

But maybe it wouldn't have mattered.

My dad told me a story about the time that his dad told him he would never be good enough to play major league baseball. He said it hurt, but it was the best thing his dad could've done for him. That way he didn't spend a lot of time chasing after something that could never be.

So was it true that it probably never would've happened for me? Or did I just tell myself that so it was easier to give up on it?**

I don't want to spend my life living in the past - wishing that things were some way they aren't. In trut, I know so much of it is just the other side of the fence. When I was in graduate school, I was annoyed that I was always in rehearsal. When I got out of school, I was tired of working all day and rehearsing at night. I didn't want to keep auditioning for commercials and children's plays. It wasn't wildly fulfilling.

But when I see someone up on stage doing what I dreamed of doing, I can't help but think What if I had stuck with it? What if I had kept on through the hard parts? What if I had really given my all?

*Of course, I didn't come home and go for a run. I came home and went to bed. And I probably won't go for a run anytime soon because I don't exercise.

**But let's not pretend that anyone was beating down my door asking me to be a superstar.


Kait said...

I just broke things off with fiance.

I'm single for the first time in 5 years, 2.5 of which were with him.

I'm selfishly pursuing all of my dreams and desires. Relationship and otherwise.

This post just gave me the motivation to continue. I may never find myself "on stage" (in a different application, because I don't perform) but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't try.

Thank you for writing this.

(In)Sanity Gal said...

Kait - glad to be of service. :) Go for it! Maybe one day you'll give me the courage to go for mine.

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