To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.
The babe and I have a recurring conversation about death - or life - depending on how you look at it. The babe wants to die in her 80s, and I would like someone to come interview me when I'm 110 because I'm the oldest person around. The babe's reasons make sense - she doesn't want to live long enough to see all of her loved ones die, and she doesn't want to be alive when she can't really live anymore.
It's not that I want those things to happen - it's just that I need the time. I cling to stories of people who are bopping around, mowing the lawn and gardening when they're in their 90s. There are so many things that I want to do, and I need all those years if I'm going to get to them all.
There are days when I feel just desperate about the fact that I don't have a garden, not even some herb pots by the window. I wonder how I can dream of having land and a vegetable garden, how I can delightedly buy myself a copy of The Backyard Homestead when I didn't even make it a priority to rent an apartment with a south-facing window.
I'm daily traumatized by the fact that I don't write regularly, that I haven't acted in years, that I'm not in a choir, that I haven't
But then I try to calm myself by remembering back to this post I read a couple of years ago. I don't have to do everything right now - in fact, I can't. Asking myself to start a backyard homestead while starting a job at a large law firm would be like asking the universe to make it snow while it's 95 degrees outside. We can't ask for all four seasons at the same time, but just because it's spring now doesn't mean it will be spring forever.
This is my legal season and realizing that it will not go on forever will allow me to really appreciate it for what it is. Believing that there will be many, many years and many seasons in the future for me to do all of those things that pull on my heart strings helps me in those moments where I feel panicked about the things I'm not doing.
So I'm holding on to all of my dreams and desires and counting on the fact that I'll be around here long enough for their seasons to come.